The Bachelor Pad originates from the deepest, darkest bowels of hell

This is my review of the first episode of the new show Bachelor Pad. Let me just say that you have my profound apologies for even writing this review, there is no reason that I can think of that anyone should watch this show.

the contestants wear their best clothing for the ritualistic elimination ceremony

This is a show about 19 horrible people. These 11 guys and 8 girls all appeared in previous competitions of the show The Bachelor or the Bachelorette, but were eliminated, and denied the arranged marriage and huge cash prize they were seeking. There are more women than men because there have been more seasons of The Bachelor. This effectively makes the character of this show be about women fighting over each other for guys, since every week the guys kick one girl off, and the girls kick one guy off.

They are brought to a mansion by limosine and what I imagine to be a secret army of spook producers. Now at this point in the story, I must stop, and introduce the host to you.

this terrifying minion clearly works for satan

I am not Christian or religious at all. The closest I have to religion is listening to cheesy guided meditations I find around the internet. They help me go to sleep. But it is this man, and this show (among others, like Maury), that make me question my general agnosticism. This man, I believe, is clearly either a minion of Satan, in league with the creator of the show, who is probably a higher ranking minion. The creator of the show is Mike Fleiss, who is responsible for the whole Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise, as well as a few other reality shows. Interestingly, the only other thing he has done in his career is producing the 2003 remake of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning in 2006. It is clear what all of his accomplishments have in common.

Every single one of the contestants is a completely soulless, empty shell of a human being that has been endowed by Satan with technically good looks. But behind these attributes is something darker, something unnatural, as if they were constructed out of magazines and large international media conglomerates. They have absolutely nothing interesting that they could ever even accidentally say out loud. For a show full of people talking, it is impressive how no one ever actually says anything. They have traded their soul for a chance to win $250,000 and a place at Satan's throne. Of course, they have been tricked into it.

If/when you read my summary below, I need you to keep all of this in mind. Satanic minions pulling strings, causing soulless humans to act frighteningly for the entire world to watch in order to become minions themselves.

I do not know why I chose to watch this show. Maybe part of it was some sort of subconscious  self inflicted punishment. Maybe I just enjoy seeking out the most base, vile and perverse items. I don't know, but now I really wish I hadn't wasted an hour and a half of my life to this driveling, terrible show.

I will take this moment now to warn you that this review contains many spoilers, but honestly the hour and a half long show is formatted into 20 minute segments, each segment begins with a minute long trailer of the following segment that summarizes everything that is about to happen.

A summary:

People are showing up one by one, and an irritating guy shows up who the host refers to as the weatherman. He immediately lets the Weatherman know that his arch nemesis Craig is also going to be on the show.

The weatherman is scared, it's written all over his face as he nervously peers towards the door every time it opens, fearing it is Craig. They bring in Craig last, and a girl Elizabeth starts being all "someone hide the weather man". They do not interact, Craig enters the area the Weatherman is sleazing around, and glares at him. The weatherman looks away and starts looking around as if he didn't notice him.

the weatherman cannot face craig

Elizabeth does not like Craig for how he treated the Weatherman in a previous series of the Bachelorette. She immediately leads all the girls into agreeing to kick off Craig the first week, because of his ill treatment towards the Weatherman.

Everyone is standing around drinking mimosas and acting like vapid, insipid morons who have traded their life and soul to take part in this twisted, frightening competition for $250,000.

They all go swimming, probably a prearranged event to get all the contestants into their bathing suits to show the audience how beautiful they are. But, as in all of Satan's tactics, the plan is flawed. Although the girls are physically attractive, it is almost unbearable to look at them, because they come off as perverse freaks of nature, supernatural monster people that remind you of a dark HP Lovecraft story.

They are taken out of the pool and set to start their first challenge, the winner of which will receive the rose totem, which grants immunity from elimination at the end of the week (where the guys vote one girl off, and vice versa). The challenge is a game of twister on a giant board that fits 19 people. Along with the rose totem, the winner gets to choose 3 people of the opposite sex to go on a date, and one to give a rose totem to. People who lose are sent to the bleachers.

At some point, Elizabeth shouts out from the peanut gallery that she wants Craig to lose because of how mean he was to Jonathon (the Weatherman), so he wouldn't get the rose totem and continue on the show for another week. But he does win.

The Weatherman declares that "This proves there is no god", and proceeds to disappear from the story completely until the end of the episode.

Craig talks to Elizabeth that night to try to win her over, and it's clear Elizabeth is into him. Everyone goes to sleep (in bunk beds in the same room), two people hook up in the middle of the night. A girl Tenley starts a rumor the next morning that it was Michelle and Craig, but Michell asserts it is not true, and gets rather upset by this.

The date card arrives, and Craig picks Elizabeth, the girl who was last on Twister before Craig and one other less popular girl.

They go to the beach, and Elizabeth separates herself from the other girls and sits up on a rock formation, silently giving Craig the opportunity to approach her. She explains how she doesn't like him, because of how he treated the Weatherman. She waits for an answer, Craig responds by telling her not to use that to judge him, which she readily agrees to. Then they start talking about kissing, and their faces are all close with eyes locked, but Craig doesn't seize the opening. This makes you think he may not be as heterosexual as he is constantly making himself out to be, which would explain his animosity towards the Weatherman, who is rather petite and feminine.

They move the four person date to a stadium, and the co-host appears. She seems barely able to read her words off of the cards. The co-host won a previous season of the Bachelor, thus being elevated in the ranks of Satan. Craig picks the Twister girl to give the rose. They are treated a concert just for them by a terrible band which I am presumed to have heard about. Elizabeth is upset she did not get the rose totem. She gave him the chance to kiss her, and he rejected her and didn't give her the rose totem, so now she definitely will not help him.

anger and hatred consume michelle

Meanwhile back at the mansion, Michelle ambushes Tenley in the bathroom, kicking the door shut and not allowing Tenley to leave until she is finished verbally abusing her. When Tenley is finally released, she runs to another girl freaking out and crying, talking about how scared she was for her safety. But you can see behind her upsetness a somewhat frightening devilish grin, one which widens into a grinch like grin after the girls suggest telling the guys to kick Michelle off.

Some guy that Elizabeth is in love with doesn't want to be exclusive with her anymore, and how it makes no sense to attach yourself to someone so early in the game. She claims she is in love with him, and threatens to get him kicked off if he does not return in kind. She goes and gets other girls to back her, and armed with this goes back to him to blackmail him into loving her, which she accomplishes.

Michelle and the only man of any ethnicity whatsoever on the show, Juan, are removed from the show in an elaborate ritualistic ceremony. This involves voting by placing a photograph of the person you want off of the show into a polished oak box, followed by the Minions of Satan themselves issuing rose totems to those who will remain on the show.

the ceremonial elimination ritual

The show finishes with the Weatherman saying in a mildly offensive Mexican accent, "Adios, Juanito, Adios!"

the weatherman turns out to be as offensive as he is irritating

Well, there you have it. I'm really sorry I watched this, and I'm really sorry you have somehow made it all the way through. I should not have done this.